Bite down on your pillow because this article is going in dry, my friend. A couple weeks back one of my crossfit clients tells me he’s having a reoccurring nightmare of me whispering 10 seconds into his ear. He instantly would wake up and fondle himself for time… What?!!? Okay…getting sidetracked. Ever heard of the word procrasturbation? It means to masturbate while pressing matters await. Procrasturbating in CrossFit is anything done to prolong the start of the workout.
You have made your sweet love to the foam roller. You’ve taped your thumbs, wrists and put an “x” over your nipple ring. You have the nut cup on just in case the kettlebell swing goes a little north on you, and some eye black on for the 400m run. Don’t forget those wrist wraps for the back squats and chalk your hands for the push press. You take a peek at the workout on the whiteboard and it has a 100 burpee cash in you didn’t see prior! What the funk?! Your bee-hole starts puckering. Here comes that notorious pre workout dump. You can’t sweat with a dump on deck. Your trainer looks at you patiently with the remote in his hand and asks if you ready but you are not! You gotta go boom boom in the bathroom. So you run and squeeze one out quick. While on the toilet you procrasturbate…10 minutes later…okay, okay, now you’re ready… Psyche! You gotta set up your camera for the insta post stuff… hold on!
So why do we do this? Why does the phrase “10 seconds” make CrossFitters hit the decks like they heard gun fire? Because, once a CrossFit workout starts, it is respected by everyone in the room. We are what we in the business call “gettin money bay-bay”. No dilly dallying, no yapping, no potty breaks. Everyone is busting their ass until the workout is complete. Anyone that has been to that place knows the physical and mental demands it brings. It’s kind of scary and it can give us goosebumps thinking about it. Don’t forget all these damn expectations us CrossFitters have. With so many measurements in the game you know what you are capable of so are you going to bring it or what?! Well jeepers, mister CrossFit trainer, that sounds pretty intense I don’t know if I want all that. Yes, little Suzy. Intensity equals results and you are going to have to hop off the elliptical and drop dat ass. Your milkshakes aren’t bringing any boys to the yard. Listen to the rap music, they are asking you to squat. In the words of 2 Chainz “all I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe”.
Anyhow, going into my 5th year of owning a CrossFit gym, I’ve noticed how intimidating intensity is to people. It makes folks cringe at the thought of an elevated heart rate. Quoting one of my clients “I’d rather tongue punch a granny’s fartbox than do Fran!” Both activities are pretty intense, but he would rather do the first. Do the math.
If you take anything from this article let it be that I suggest you perform everything in your life hard as a mutha f**ka. Don’t hide from intensity, embrace it. As soon as you wake up, sweet baby Jesus says 10 seconds and starts the timer to your day. Take your trash out hard as a mutha f**ka. Crack your eggs as hard as a mutha f**ka. If you workout in HAM nation mode each and every time you train, you will progress as an athlete. And don’t give me this back in my day shit. Your days are ahead of you now. Say your prayers and take your vitamins. Don’t favor anything in your fitness and attack it all. Go do a wall ball.. Don’t text and drive. Be happy to be alive. Never punch a bee hive! You can find me at Blur on Raintree Drive!