by Jake Holmberg

The first week my business partner Justin and I lived in Phoenix we made two poor investments: 1) a birthday clown and 2) season tickets to the Phoenix Mercury. The birthday clown was a riot until he fingered us and I guess we can say the same about the Phoenix Mercury.

We vowed to support all local sports, so when the opportunity came to see some WNBA ballin’ we said, “Hell yeah! Let’s watch these chicks throw some bows!” We bought jerseys, foam fingers—the whole nine yards.

Ok I’m kidding…that didn’t happen…but the clown thing was real. Ladies, I love you but watching you play sports in an organized fashion can be an eye sore. Can we all agree we’d rather see Bron-Bron dunkin’ on fools than Lisa Leslie bringin’ it home off the glass? That’s just common sense. It doesn’t make me sexist that I’m just bored with most girl sports. Now ladies, don’t get bent out of shape on scientifical facts here. For some reason us fellas just bring more entertainment value to sports—except…except…except when I watch females CrossFit.

Have you seen the ladies at the CrossFit Games beastin’ out? Every year I tune into the CrossFit Games just to watch the ladies go ham. These chicas f**kin get down! Something about it is so primal and I love it! And it’s not even a sexual thing for me, even though your ass crack is slightly exposed. How do you not feel the draft on the bottom of your deadlift? Come on now…I know you do!

These ladies’ strength and conditioning is unmatched in any sports. Look at her legs—she’s a thoroughbread and damn, her abs put mine to shame! This chick deadlifts 350 pounds in make up and now she’s running a sub-6 minute mile fresh off a pedi! Oh, hold the phone…50 chest to bars unbroken? Man! Her boobs gotta be crooked after that! Not “show muscles”, but “hard ass work muscles” and you don’t have to CrossFit to appreciate it as a spectator.

It all comes down to the fact that she’s stronger than you bro. A female Games Athlete is stronger than 99 out of 100 males at any CrossFit gym and 999 out of 1000 in the general public. That astounds me! Rewind the track 5 years. I remember seeing girls squatting 135 at LA Fitness and I’d think, “Damn impressive girl! Do yo thang!” Now that’s chump change! Camille, the gymnast, is repping 205 for a set of 15 and with each rep she looks more and more feminine. Oh wait…now she’s gonna climb up that rope without her legs, fresh off of a nasty thruster set? You can’t do that bro!

What’s even better is the 99.9 percent of female CrossFit athletes who have never made it to the games. That’s what this article is really about. I train over 30 girls squatting 200 pounds. Do you know how empowering that is for a woman? Don’t ya get it people? CrossFit is just what women needed all these years.

It’s the magic potion to get a girl off the market because it elevates her stock so quickly. She develops this, “Bring it on mother f**ker!” attitude and she knows that guys take to it. She also develops an ass and she knows that the boys take to that as well.

So let’s all take a scoop of protein and pour it out for all the home girls who don’t CrossFit. All my ladies who do CrossFit… throw yo hands up at me! Kiss your right bicep. Ok, now your left. Flex them quads up! What’s up you a badass mama jama?!?  You have found the sport of fitness and it’s only up from here.